Love Beyond All Fear
by Nefertili
Summary: A glimpse on Haldir's past, and what he has been hiding from the world in his face of indifference. Finally, it is finished!
1. Introduction

**Title: Love Beyond All Fear, Introduction**

**Author: Nefertili**

**Fandom: **Lord of the Rings

**Pairing(s): **none

**Rating: **PG13

**Genre(s): **Angst, AU

**Warning(s): **No slash this time…it is replaced by bits and pieces of violence and insults in the other chapters.

**Summary: **Please read on…

**Author's notes: **This story has long been in my computer, long before one of the first fanfics of mine, Niphredil and Light After the Storm. The delay? Well, because I have been wondering whether to post it or not. Anyway, this is my own POV on what I think on Haldir's past. What could be behind those dark eyes? Don't bother me with flames, K? I put in some of my own 'philosophy' in this fic. Please put some feedback! I especially appreciate constructive criticisms. 

**********

_Haldir had long hidden an agonizing past in his mask of indifference, but time came he knew he hath to let go of the one last reminder of it to keep his soul at peace and at a warrior's pace…_

The world living before the uprising of the War of the Ring found Haldir as a novice among the wardens of Galadriel, Lady of Light. Anar-galad, his father, had just been elected as the new Marchwarden after the preceding one left for the Lands that Never Die. However, as the days went by, the young Haldir was faced with the foremost aftermath the very event can bring: the premeditated separation of Anar-galad from his mother, Arthendion. At the same time, a change brought by the dawning of his brothers Rúmil and Orophin and a change that was made happen by his being a warrior slowly came to light. It was then did Haldir almost break his heart in the arousing of his struggle to cope with the differences; to learn to face the truth called Reality to find himself as the independent, resilient Elf he was at present.  


	2. You Who I Cradled In My Arms

**Title: _"You Who I Cradled In My Arms…"_**

**Author: Nefertili**

**Fandom: **Lord of the Rings

**Pairing(s): **none

**Rating: **PG13

**Genre(s): **Angst, AU

**Warning(s): **No slash this time…it is replaced by bits and pieces of violence and insults in the other chapters.

**Summary: **A glimpse on Haldir's past, and what he has long hidden from the world in his face of indifference. 

**Author's notes: **Don't be disappointed if you are not a slash fan. But if you are…read my other fics instead. This is the 'didactic essay' I mentioned in my biography. I strongly appreciate constructive criticisms, but don't flame me please. Nearly all the stuff here is my own making, though they belong to no other than Tolkien. This fic, too, is inspired by the Miss Saigon song, 'I'd Give My Life For You'. As you will notice, all the chapter titles are lines from the song. 

**********

Haldir of Lothlórien sat beside his two brothers, Rumil and Orophin in his talan after their daily sentry in the Land of the Bearer of Nenya. The subject they discussed on was about an orc raid in one of the borders.

"The other wardens did all they can to drive them away, didn't they?" Haldir asked his brothers. "Raids such as this one rarely happen, and this one took us unawares."

"Aye, the other guardians did, and those goblins really took us by surprise," Orophin agreed dejectedly. "Our warriors succeeded, but without the remaining orcs taking with them one of our innocent kindred."

"If I am not mistaken, the victim was the mother of our friend Sardomiel," Rumil added. "I really can't help but pity him. He is most grief-stricken. His father and brother died in the Last Alliance's War on Mordor, and now…" Rumil broke off, unable to say any more words.

Haldir placed a comforting hand on his youngest brother's shoulder and said gently, "I am remorseful for him myself. Our guardians did all that they could, but there are some things that we cannot prevent from happening no matter what we do. Let's just do all we can to help Sardomiel regain his vigor. We need him, the Lady needs him, especially now, when the Dark Lord hath started to regain power."

Orophin sighed and looked distractedly at his surroundings. "And that Fellowship that was set up in Rivendell…I doubt they will succeed to destroy It. Why do they have to choose our realm to escape from those ghastly Mines of Moria? Why did they pass there in the first place? Mithrandir is sensible enough not to do it, with the entire devilry going on there…" 

Haldir replied unperturbedly, "I cannot answer all your questions straight away. The fate of Middle-Earth hangs from a brittle thread of the hope of the Fellowship, and as the messengers from Imladris told us, they will pass our Land."

"And bring evil and the eyes of Sauron to us?" Orophin retorted. "Allow them to take a step in our Lady's Wood, and we are predestined." 

"I am familiar with it, Orophin, how well I am. But it doesn't make much divergence; we share the same fate as all of Middle-Earth if they should fail…"

Haldir didn't have the chance to finish his statement. He was distracted by a soft humming. Orophin glared at Rumil, who seemed to be composing a song: something he never succeeded on doing before.

"Rumil!" Orophin hissed. "Composing is not on your line; better cultivate your skill on archery instead." 

"I am not composing, don't think I am. I have long accepted that my skill on music is faltering compared to my skill on defending," Rumil said as though he didn't hear him.

"Then will my brother kindly tell me what he is doing?" Haldir asked him benevolently.

Rumil hesitated for a while and looked up at the stars that were almost blocked up by the mallorn leaves and branches. Orophin gave an impatient shudder. His brother finally answered, "I know it is foolish of me to think of so unnecessary and simple a thing with all the tumult boiling from around me, but I suddenly remembered a song…a song…though I am still struggling to weave the lyrics and melody together."

Orophin snorted with annoyance, but Haldir appeared interested. "If it is your will, please resonate to us the parts you committed to memory and recovered."

Rumil looked brilliantly and inspiringly at his eldest brother and his Marchwarden. Haldir knew the very strategies to add a little something to both his younger siblings who were only a year or two older than one another only to find out they could hardly fathom what to do when Haldir was feeling down. They don't have to think of it very much, anyway, as Haldir almost never shows his feelings and emotions to others but to himself; they presumed he knows how to handle them all by himself. He began to sing.

_"You who I cradled in my arms,_

_You asking as little as you can,_

_Little snip of a little one,_

_I know I'll give my life for you…"_

The young Elf's voice then ceased to sing. "That's all that I can remember this time. The other remnants I can hardly string together or recall."

This time, Orophin arbitrated. "Some form of lullaby, I presume, by the sound of it, but forget it and think of more important matters."

Rumil looked disconcerted, but Haldir chose to side with Orophin. "Your brother is right, if truth be told, Rumil. Yes, of course, you have the freedom to sing it and recall it, but let's think of protecting our beloved Lothlórien more seriously than other matters. Please, I don't want to give counsel or reproach now just because of a song."

The young galadhrim thought for a while and said, "I guess you're right, brother. I am sorry for taking my time on useless things."

"Everything has its use in this world, Rumil. It is late into the night, better get back to your own dwellings, my brothers; we will have to prepare for the Fellowship's arrival tomorrow morning, though we may not be sure when they will come into our sight."

"Aye, brother."

Orophin and Rumil gave their answer and they stood up and descended the hithlain ladder that leads down their eldest brother's talan. When Haldir was sure they had left him on his own, he stared up at the full moon that took its vigil high in the sky, reflecting. Secretly, inside him, he had some worries connected to the present happenings. He knew it all, he knew how it feels to lose someone so close in the hands of an enemy, and Rumil's song…he knew the complete words and melody of the lullaby, at once he knew why his brother had had an inkling of the melody…he knew very well of whom he, the present captain of the wardens of Lothlórien, first heard the beautiful lullaby from. It was then did he remember some things which he strove so hard to bury beneath him and to forget, memories that haunted his dreams and reminded him of a painful past…

**********

The world was a good thousand years before Middle-Earth's present time. On one of the tall grandiose and majestic mallorns of Lothlórien sat two Elves. They were one of the newest workforces of the Lady Galadriel's warriors, and they talked out of their own free will, though they kept in mind their task to keep a close watch on the border that was designated to them. 

"Everything is dreary…if only there is some evil to fight…" one, whose name was Malenardhon, said in Sindarin as he comfortably stretched his weary feet that were crouching on the strong mallorn bough for a long time.

"By the Valar, my friend," the young Haldir then replied as he eyed his lighthearted friend closely. He was a lot more serious when compared to the other Elf. "We do not know war. We are foolish to hope for turmoil; one can never be sure of its aftermaths…"

"Aye, Haldir, son of Anar-galad," Malenardhon replied composedly as though he heard nothing of his words. "Tell me, what are we? What are we doing right now? And are you not getting tired of crouching there? "

Haldir replied in a rather motivated tone, his brow furrowing, "No, I am not. You only know it too well. We are the guardians who swore to protect Lady Galadriel's Forest. Now we are guarding this border for the security of our Land." He still did not dare change his bent down position he took since he and Malenardhon started their watch.

Malenardhon let out a particularly blithe laugh. "I know, I know, Haldir, my friend. Do not be severely aggravated about me, if you please. But did it ever occur to you that we need not any galadhrim wardens if we have no enemy to battle? You are too serious for me to endure!"

Haldir then laughed in an optimistic manner. "Am I? Oh, I apologize, Malenardhon; It seems these watches are also getting in the way of my thoughts! But…" He broke off and slightly lost the smile on his face of youth.

"But what?" Malenardhon said apprehensively, suddenly alarmed at his friend's proceedings. "Oh, I am sorry for my asinine questions, it seems I hurt you."

"No, Malenardhon," Haldir said quietly as he put his arm around his friend's shoulder. "You even opened an eye in my mind. Why are we guarding when we don't really need to fight anything?"

Malenardhon then tried to take back his words. "No, no, no, forget all the unwise words I just said. You are a lot better a warrior than I am. I can never fire arrows with such nimbleness and sternness as you do. The way you handle your Elven knives and your sword, one would hath thought you were holding air! I truly don't know anything about evil, war or pain; do not let so inexperienced a being guide your thoughts."

Haldir sighed and scanned the vast flatland covered in tall green grasses splashed with beautiful colors of gold and white that belonged to the winter flowers that bloom in Lórien as long as the Lady and Nenya resided in the Land. They occasionally saw a sign of movement or heard a soft rustle on the grounds beneath them, but it was no more than the waving of the grass or the wind pulling up fallen mallorn leaves. "Neither do I. Malenardhon, I just took the opportunity to be a galadhrim of Lórien for one reason. Do you know what I mean?"

Malenardhon regained his original posture as he tried to think of an answer. "Ai…is it because you wish to be the Marchwarden of the Lord and Lady? I've heard that our present captain, Arthrabeth will soon depart for the Undying Lands. Who knows? You are a very superior warrior, Haldir; you have a very good chance for the position."

However, Haldir shook his head and cast down his eyes. Some of his fair silvery hair slightly fell on his face as he bowed his head. "I am just a new recruit; I am not very high on the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel's list, for sure. My father wished that I be like him, a warden of Lothlórien. How could I refuse him? And besides, I have very little choice. I cannot just stay home at all times. I desire to do some service and nourish my abilities and strengths."

"Well, it is your choice, not your father's. You do not have to be a warrior just because your father is one. You are _Haldir, _not Anar-galad. Do not try to be who you are not; _be yourself._" 

"But it seems like…my call is more of an invitation…as though something is telling me I am destined for some great things, only I don't know what…" Haldir then looked up and pushed his hair back in place. He noticed Malenardhon was staring at him with his dark grey eyes blank, his brow creasing into a deep frown. "What is troubling you? Was it something I said?"

"Aye," Malenardhon replied, taken aback by Haldir's sentences. "Your mind is deeper than the sea. I must admit that mine isn't nearly as imaginative as yours.'

"I am not imagining or fabricating things!" Haldir said sternly. His hand's clutch tightened around the galadhrim bow he held. "Do you not believe me, Malenardhon? It seems no one beyond doubt understands me."

"By the name of the Valar, Haldir, don't take it seriously!" Malenardhon said hastily and as soothingly as possible. His hands shook as he gently lowered down Haldir's hand that was clutching his bow. "I know you mean your words. Why would you be so serious about your occupation if you are not sincere with yourself? Forgive me; I never knew you would act in response this way." HHH jkjslf j 

"Apology accepted," Haldir said in an icy and bitter voice that might chill up anyone's blood. "Who else knows my true self anyway? You'd better take the necessary precautions, Malenardhon, or I end up doing what ought not to be done."  

Malenardhon shivered at his friend's cold response, but he continued to speak smoothly and steadily. "Put an end to my life if you have to, if that will be the payment for my words."

When he said this, Haldir dropped his weapon on the mallorn bough and sighed, shaking his head desolately. A few unspoken moments passed before he broke the silence. This time, he spoke in a voice a lot more temperate than his preceding one. "You know very well I couldn't do that. It seems…I can't get a good hold of myself. What kind of warrior will I be? I should learn to hold back my sentiments and put on a mask like you do-"

"What are you saying, Haldir?" Malenardhon cut him off. "Be yourself; do not try to imitate someone else. That is how you can reach what you wish to reach. Count your blessings, my friend. You are so good at your combatant skills, you've got a beautiful mother-"

"Ai, Malenardhon, what caused you to use her as an example?" Haldir then replied good-humoredly. He was grinning again, though mischievously. 

"Oh, nothing out of seriousness, really," Malenardhon said straight away to end the conversation as he turned rather red in face. But he was relieved to see Haldir smiling again. 

Haldir did not dare to question him further. He looked back at the vast grassland.  "You know, Malenardhon, I guess you are right. I have to be what I really am. I am the one who should be ashamed of threatening you. I'll do all I can to make it up."

"Never mind it all, my friend. It's then did I realize that you are more than a customary warrior-"

Malenardhon stopped in mid-sentence. They suddenly heard an ordering voice arising from below their mallorn. They froze right on the spot. They knew at once to whom the voice belonged. It was Arthrabeth, their Marchwarden, accompanied by Haldir's own father, Anar-galad. 

"Better get down, Haldir, son of Anar-galad and Malenarhon, son of Pathredel. Your labors are accomplished for this day. Now is our time take over this border and do our sentry."

Haldir and Malenardhon wasted not a single second in climbing down the mallorn and giving the proper respect they ought to give their captain. They had conversed so long that they forgot that the sun had hit its noonday zenith, signaling changeover for all the novice wardens who guard the borders.

"It seems you are getting pleasure from your post," Arthrabeth remarked to Haldir and Malenardhon, his steely grey eyes penetrating theirs. One would have thought he had the power of reading minds as the Lady Galadriel. "You look as though you are doing your wok conscientiously, I am impressed." 

The young wardens bowed in humble gratitude and they went away taking care not to arouse suspicion by running. Anar-galad was silent amidst his Marchwarden's words, but he gave his son an approving smile when Arthrabeth said the remark. 

"Very unpredictable…" Haldir whispered to his Elvish friend. "This minute, he is smiling and praising us; but yesterday, he reprimanded us for being late on our watch."

"At least we got a credit this time, my friend," Malenardhon replied. "Well, at least you do; I was the one jabbering and not paying attention…"

**********

Haldir parted ways with Malenardhon after a good deal of hours training their skills on handling their bows and arrows with their trainer, Hallador. They were still new recruits; they knew they would have to train for a good number of years before they can be truly sovereign. 

Haldir had to work very hard to conceal his laughter when Hallador kept on correcting Malenardhon's posture. He also did his very best to avoid being overconfident after having shot all his targets precisely and expertly when his friend had to repeat several times. 

Haldir then went back to his very own talan. Having nothing to do, he decided to visit his mother, Arthendion. He had chosen to live apart from his parents as Anar-galad suggested him when he was made a guardian of the Golden Wood, but he still frequently visits his mother and father, and now his younger brother, Orophin, who was only two years old by that time. But now was different, he wanted some assistance from Arthendion.  

His mother was more than pleased as she welcomed her eldest in her talan and threw down her silver hithlain ladder for Haldir to climb up. Arthendion was carrying the young Orophin in her white arms. She, if truth be told; had conceived again and in her seventh month, in contrast to Haldir and Orophin's age gap of more or less two centuries.

"How are things going for you, Naneth?" Haldir asked Arthendion with full respect as he sat beside her. He was very close to Arthendion and admired her. It wasn't a privilege to every being to have a very wise and affectionate mother and a splendid beauty as well. She was different from other Lórien Elves, including the Lady Galadriel, because of her eyes and hair. She had come from the Forest Mountains of Mirkwood, though her son didn't know, carrying with her the characteristics of some of the noble Elven Ladies who dwelt there: captivating silvery blue eyes wherein most Lórien Elves only either have blue or grey. Bluish black gently waving hair wherein most other Elves only have silvery blond, almost white or shining sunlight-golden hair.

"I am in good hands, Haldir, my Eldest, worry not about me," Arthendion replied in a compassionate voice. She was then distracted by Orophin, who was playfully tugging at her long dark locks. "Ai, Orophin, behave yourself," she crooned as she gently loosened her son's grip and threw her hair to her back. 

Haldir watched his mother intently as she tenderly rocked back and forth and hummed a lullaby to his young brother. He couldn't help but be slightly envious of Arthendion's attention to Orophin; after all, he was used to having all interests to himself. But her voice seemed to calm him as well. She didn't sing, she only hummed the tune, but Haldir was very pleased with her evocative melody just the same. 

When Arthendion stopped her beautiful humming, Haldir was taken out of his trance and was able to look at his brother. Orophin was quiet and undoubtedly asleep in Arthendion's motherly arms and she gave Haldir her undivided attention. 

"Well, Haldir," she said. "Now is my turn to ask how things are going for you and your first days as Lady Galadriel's warden."

"All is well, Naneth," Haldir replied, "except for yesterday when Captain Arthrabeth chastised Malenardhon and I for being late on our watch. "

"Aye, your father told me so. But I still am proud of you just the same. You are a very committed Elf, are you not, my Haldir? You do not turn back from whatever path you choose, and that is a complimentary aspect, my son, a favorable aspect."

Haldir was very pleased his mother's praising words. "Thank you. I am as well proud to have a mother as you are, Naneth. You will always be with me, will you not be?" 

Arthendion only smiled, but Haldir couldn't get the significance of her grin, whether it meant yes or no, so he asked again, "Will you always be with me, Naneth?"

Finally, Arthendion gave an answer as she stood up and placed Orophin on his bed. "I cannot yet answer that, Haldir, not yet." She pulled her cloak more securely around her as the wind began to feel chilly as afternoon crept by. 

But Haldir was incredulous and willing to find out more. "Why?"

Arthendion sighed and once more sat beside her son. "I cannot command the future, no one can. I cannot make my own fate; I can never be sure of what will happen to me. I will not lie to you, my son. I don't know if I will always be by your side alive and breathing, though immortal our kind may be; that's why I cannot answer your question."

Haldir expelled a cheerless breath when his mother answered this way.  But Arthendion continued, "But do not be discouraged, my son. We can never be sure of anything, as everything is as unpredictable as the movements of the wind and sea. Do not let the future trouble you until you have taken care of the present." She then smiled warmheartedly at Haldir. "Ai, you're still intimate to your mother; you haven't changed from the elfling I once cradled in my arms."

The galadhrim's pale face turned slightly to the color of crimson when he heard Arthendion say this, but she took one of his hands that were slightly rough to the touch due to all the hours and days of drawing the bowstring to shoot arrows and placed it on her stomach. At first Haldir couldn't find a sense in what Arthendion was doing, but as he felt the gentle stirring of the life in her womb, his eyes brightened up.

"I know, Haldir, you _have _grown, you need not tell me. I know, as well that you will be a good brother to Orophin and this little one."    

This answer offered a ray of hope to the young warrior, and he sought to make the conversation a more positive one. "Naneth, Malenardhon and I talked during our watch today…and…"

Arthendion placed a soft hand on her the shoulder of her eldest. Haldir got her message right away: _Open yourself to me, I am here to listen._

Haldir managed to gather his courage when he said, "Is it true that we have to be ourselves and not pretend to be anyone in order to become what we should be?"

But even before Arthendion could offer a reply, they heard soft, almost silent footsteps down the talan. The young mother excused herself to find out the company, and she told Haldir elatedly that it was his father. 

"It is rare that you see your Adar during your visits here, my son," Arthendion told him.

Anar-galad went up the hithlain ladder in a quick manner that did not escape his wife's notice.

"What is the finer meaning of your dash, Anar-galad? Is there something going on that hath not reached my awareness?"  

"Aye, my dear Arthendion," he said eagerly as he put down his quiver and bow. Then he smiled at Haldir, whom he noticed had come as he said pompously more than fervently, "Our Marchwarden Arthrabeth chose to depart for the West tomorrow, and do you know whom he Lady appointed in his place? It is I! I never knew I would be made captain since I started my duties!"  

Anar-galad was beside himself talking silently to his infant son about his raise. Haldir was in high spirits to have his father elevated to a higher position that it took him a while to notice his mother, how she had become silent after his father told them this. The young Elf was startled and bothered at the same time to see that Arthendion was neither smiling nor looking content; rather, her dark hair was slightly covering her bowed face and she looked as though she was in the threshold of tears… distraught tears. Something was wrong, Haldir had never seen his mother cry in his whole life, and cry so forlornly at that. 

**********

Well, how was it? Do you still feel like reading it? I hope you do…     


	3. You Asking As Little As You Can

**Title: _"You Asking as Little as You Can…"_**

**Author: Nefertili**

**Fandom: **Lord of the Rings

**Pairing(s): **none

**Rating: **PG13

**Genre(s): **Angst, AU

**Warning(s): **No slash this time…it is replaced by bits and pieces of violence and insults in the other chapters.

**Summary: **A glimpse on Haldir's past, and what he has long hidden from the world in his face of indifference. 

**Author's notes: **Don't be disappointed if you are not a slash fan. But if you are…read my other fics instead. This is the 'didactic essay' I mentioned in my biography. I strongly appreciate constructive criticisms, but don't flame me please. Nearly all the stuff here is my own making, though they belong to no other than Tolkien. This fic, too, is inspired by the Miss Saigon song, 'I'd Give My Life For You'. As you will notice, all the chapter titles are lines from the song. 

********** 

Shortly after his father was appointed the Marchwarden of Lórien, it took Haldir some time for him to be in control with the changes he never knew this very event can bring. Arthendion never smiled a confirmed smile since her husband began his duties. She even seemed to have lost her youth and the glow in her gorgeous slivery sapphire eyes that was in her prime, she looked just like any other Elf…any other unfortunate Elf. 

Haldir paid a visit to his mother nearly every day hoping that she might regain her bliss and vitality, but his prospects were not high. No matter what he did to enliven Arthendion, all that he secures is a faint, faded smile, and an indignant one at that. 

Once or twice, the young guardian caught glimpses of his father, Anar-galad during one of his watches, but he never saw him during his visits to his parents' talan nor ever asked him if he ever comprehended Arthendion's uncommonly anguished outlook, whether it hath a connection with his being Marchwarden of the Golden Wood. Haldir, himself, out of his understanding of his father, noticed that he seemed rather as though he hath not a close acquaintance in the whole ample lands of Middle-Earth and…different.

He could not, however, fully understand why he never really took the advantage to speak with his father face to face, as though some discouraging a force was preventing him from doing so, something like… distrust and a flash of abhorrence.   

Deep inside, however, Haldir of Lothlórien was deeply hurt. He loved his mother very much, had he not loved anyone as strong since the present, and he couldn't stand to see Arthendion so stricken with grief without him being at her side to give comfort or solitude. Him being as useless as a worthless lump of sawdust in circumstances such as this one hurt his self-respect deeply, as well as a part of him that was only for his mother.  

**********

"Aye, such feeling so perturbing and troubling I hath never experienced during the thousand years I have spent my life with." 

Haldir inadvertently muttered the string of words to himself as he quietly, capably undid the half-braids of his long hair that was reaching down his shoulder blades. It had brightened slightly from its flashing mithril-silver luster to a fair very light golden colour that strongly rivals the glint of the shining sun in the limitless heavens as he gradually reached his existing age…but his spirit and being had not changed at all, or perhaps darkened. 

"Why can't have things stayed the same? Why can't things be the way I hoped it would be…a lot more bearable one?" Haldir nearly shouted, without anyone to answer him back or to contradict him. 

He was overtaken with resentment at the thought so upsetting that it was a long time before he got a strong, secure hold of himself. Haldir found out at the same time that he ended up knotting the end of one undone plait to a gristly, tough cluster with his fury that his hands were shaking with anger. 

"Do you have to add to my troubles as well?" The warden of Lothórien whispered to himself in an aggravated breath as Haldir irately pulled at his lustrous hair to undo the knotted part, hardly noticing the searing pain his action did to his scalp; the inexperienced custom that his life chose to take in the past provided much more burning a pain than that of now. 

The Marchwarden unraveled the knot with great effort, though he hardly cared whether his scalp or his hair would break loose out of his angry force of pull. And as he pushed the disentangled hair at the back of his pointed ears, Haldir put his weight against the smooth mallorn bough, and he seemed to find ease and comfort from the action. 

He felt as though the Golden Trees and the wind letting out its weary sighs and breaths all understood his need for consolation. The air began to blow gently and quietly altered some of the mallorn's leafy arms to be positioned above him. 

"Adar…Naneth…if only you didn't go astray from the untroubled path you chose to walk long before…" Haldir muttered even though he knew no answer can come from around him and appease his troubled sense of right and wrong…it seemed as though old foundations of distress, old sentiments, seemed to go back to him with consequences double than the way they had touched and changed his life thousands of years ago.     

**********

Haldir was occupied with the task of carving his own arrows. He took the time to busy himself with something to keep his thoughts at bay, as he still was troubled about his family's unusual feeling of isolation from each other and can hardly carry on with his usual routines.

The galadhrim sighed as he focused on his work. His kith and kin made their arrows out of pieces of rough wood taken from a nature of tree which strongly resembles their own mallorn, only its grains were darker and more of the color of unblemished dark gold interspersed with bands of rich auburn, not to mention it was easier to handle than the prodigious wood of the mallorns. He proficiently ran the blade of one of his Elven knives over the formless broken stem until it took the shape of a straight, evenly rounded branch. He then fastened the point, which was made of a metal which was golden in colour, but as strong as steel on one end of the arrow. Haldir finally then affixed several fine-looking, gracefully curved feathers taken from a well-built, dazzling white bird that made its home near Lothlórien on the other end to finish the arrow.

This Haldir kept doing this until he heard another Elf calling to him from below his talan. He placed his finished arrows in his quiver and returned the knife back to its gilded metal hilt then looked down from his dwelling to see who was giving him company. It was the least expected one he thought would see him: his very own trainer, Hallador. Haldir did not know his purpose of coming; he knew Hallador did not call for any meeting with him during his last training assembly. Hence he respectfully asked, "Please tell your apprentice what hath brought you to his own abode, Master Hallador."

Hallador seemed too overwrought and impatient to answer in the same refined manner as Haldir, his novice. "Hasten, son of Anar-galad! Your mother, Arthendion has labored and given birth; you ought to come to her and share her jubilation!" 

Haldir was filled with enthusiasm as well. Of course, his mother, as he had known, was with life in her womb, and he had been trying to guess if he will have a brother as Orophin or a sister since she had conceived shortly after Orophin had reached his first year. 

But he couldn't resist but experience uncertainty and ask himself, _Share Naneth's jubilation? Will it be that the arrival of my new elfling sibling would end all the laments Naneth is living through as of now?_      

This somber and miserable thought, however, didn't affect or dim his anticipation. Without even bothering to tidy up his talan from the pieces of stray golden-brown wood and white feathers that were scattered all around his place, he lost no time in descending his hithlain ladder so hurriedly that Hallador was looking at him with anxiety in his stormy grey eyes, as though expecting him to plunge to the hard ground as he took his next step. 

Haldir ran with his trainer by his side to his mother and father's talan. He saw his mother's friend, Beinaras, also the twin sister of Hallador, by Arthendion's side as he reached the dwelling. 

"Naneth…" was all Haldir managed to say out of his mouth because of exhilaration more than exhaustion as he paused for a while on the last step of the hithlain ladder. Haldir finally took his seat near the entrance of the talan, fixedly looking at his mother, though he only saw her beautiful wavy hair darker than the night skies and the depths of the ultramarine and turquoise sea spilling out from her shoulders to her slender back.  

"Haldir, young galadhrim, your Naneth is all right, as well as your new sibling," Beinaras affirmed Haldir gently as Hallador knelt beside his novice. It was then did Haldir realize that she was holding his younger brother, Orophin, as Arthendion was holding another elfling in her arms. Beinaras made no mention whether Haldir had a new brother or sister. She made it seem to the youthful warrior that Beinaras was taking her pleasure at making him guess whether his new sibling was male or female. 

Finally, Arthendion turned to look at her eldest son. Haldir was relieved to see her face, for once in the course of the days, free from all traces of despondency and seclusion. For a son who had not seen his mother in a jovial atmosphere for a long time, this was great joy. 

Then he saw a bald head visible from all the white, silky blankets she was cradling in her subtle arms; the newborn's eyes were still closed. Haldir couldn't help but approach his mother out of inquisitiveness and softly stroke his sibling's pale head. 

"Haldir!" he heard Hallador command from behind him. Haldir couldn't help but feel a glint of frustration. _Why would Master Hallador think of me inflicting injury on my newborn brother…or sister?_

"Allow him, Hallador," Arthendion said with a smile, as though she could read the thoughts of her eldest. "He is no longer the elfling as you, we, or I knew him, and he demands the proper respect." 

Haldir's pastel-hued cheeks slightly turned red from his mother's remark as he slowly knelt beside Arthendion. His mother then smiled softly as she said to Haldir, "Your new brother looks just like Orophin."

_A new brother then, _Haldir thought as he looked at Beinaras and Hallador playing with the young Orophin, who was reaching out to them with his short arms and chortling gaily. He was learning to speak more complicated words and had grown silvery blond hair like his father at the same time.

Just like his father.

"And speaking of…" Haldir muttered, startled by the thought. "Where is Adar?" He expected that his brother's birth may mean a reunion of his family, a chance to renew their bonds and understand what his mother was really going through. 

But with this simple question, it made Haldir regret that he had ever solicited it, for the matter wiped the smile off his mother's face. Hallador and Beinaras themselves lost all traces of the smiles on their faces and hung their heads in a dismal manner. Orophin, alarmed by the sudden lack of life, pulled at Beinaras' golden locks for attention.

"Anar-galad…" Arthendion uttered in a voice as though all hope had left her, while stroking her elfling who began to snuggle her and suck at her breast. "Is he really not coming? I am not even sure of what to call our new son yet without him…" She broke off, her eyes turning misty. Hallador looked indecisively at his sister, who, as she freed her hair from Orophin's lighthearted clutch, shook her head as hopelessly as she had when one of her trainees entirely gave up her teaching several centuries ago. 

"Why don't we call him Rumil? I'm sure Adar won't mind, will he, Naneth?" Haldir asked uncertainly and broke the uncanny silence, hoping that his mother might be distracted from the thought of his father. He affectionately placed an encouraging hand on his mother's arm. 

She thought for a long while on Haldir's suggestion on her newborn son's naming. (The Sindarin word _mil _means love and affection just as _hal__, _from which Haldir's name was derived,means tall and elevated.) Arthendion smiled despondently at her son, though she replied, "Of course…Rumil….my child… my young Rumil." She mildly patted the cheek of her youngest as she said her words, though her face remained dark. 

But until then, Haldir could not fathom why anything could be more precious to his father, Anar-galad, than them, his very own family. He, after all the smiles and hopes he put in building his own family, would not even come to his wife's aid on giving birth. 

Haldir wondered and was distraught by the thought on how his youngest brother, Rumil, will respond to this when he found out in his future years, after all his father had promised to his sons, would not even celebrate his birth.    

**********

Malenardhon watched his comrade with confusion and annoyance in his eyes. "Arthendion does not deserve such a thing, to be ignored! How could your father offer neglect to your mother in return for giving him a son?" 

Haldir sighed desperately as he rested his body against the smooth trunk of the familiar mallorn that offered the two wardens shade and solace during their daily watches.  He looked impassively at the fields of swaying grass that danced in rhythm with the wind. "I can't help but pity Naneth. She is most brokenhearted when she found out Adar did not come to her side when she could have died from the birth and labor…worse, she hath my two brothers to care for."

"Can't anyone…preferably Master Hallador's sister…take care of Rumil and Orophin for her?"

"Mistress Beinaras has her own learners to govern; you know those brother and sister, they are the most trusted warrior trainers of the Lord Celeborn and the Lady Galadriel. She cannot set her duties aside for the happiness of one other fellow Elf; though I must admit she seemed eager to serve the part. Mother herself, though, not unkindly turned down the offer. She was unwavering on her word that she will be the one to care for her own fruit of love…" 

Haldir paused for a while and closed his eyes. He then looked back at Malenardhon as he said in a voice no livelier than the first, "Malenardhon…my heart can't resist but wonder how he is now, my Adar, whether he felt pleasurable or cheerless to have Rumil born to him…if only I can talk to him about this and put an end to all this misunderstanding…My thoughts have never left my Naneth's side since he became Marchwarden…"

Malenardhon then placed a soothing hand on his close acquaintance's shoulder, though his face was as unpromising as his. He then said with utter dejection in his voice, "Haldir, I, in actual fact am very sorry to tell you something…but I know it is the right time. Do you wish to hear it told?"

Haldir faced Malenardhon, apparently thinking deeply. After a moment of stillness, he readily nodded. "If it will ameliorate things for me, be it so."

Malenardhon took a deep breath and began, "I knew from the very start all the pain torment you are experiencing from the disregard of your father to you and the rest of your family, and as far as you know, I have a brother who is just a new recruit as well, Sardomiel. He sometimes gets the opportunity to join your father in his sentinels, and I made him talk to Anar-galad about what's occurring to you and Arthendion, that he ought to go back to you and your brothers instead of living in a solitary talan-"

"He is living by himself…in another talan?" Haldir asked bitterly, remembering in the same moment Anar-galad's suggestion that he be single-handed when he started his duties. "I never made that out… Did mother ever know about it?"

"She does, by all means, as Marchwarden Anar-galad sent me myself to tell her that," Malenardhon replied. "Only she did not dare mention it to you, for your sake. Back to my narrative, oh…I am really very sorry, but your father…he…he did not-"

"He did not do what?" Haldir asked, his patience wearing thin, though he knew the answer just the same. "I am prepared to hear it, even if it will gash my spirit; Malenardhon, I cannot wait any longer!"

Malenardhon slowly, gradually continued, "Captain Anar-galad refused Sardomiel and-and he even said he ought not the right to order him such a thing. My brother had to endure such a cold attitude from him since then…"

Haldir bowed his head forlornly. "Why did you not tell me from the start, Malenardhon? Are we not good acquaintances?"

The other Elf replied gradually, "I know you are courageous, Haldir, I always do, but it occurred to me I might worsen the situation of yours if I hurt you with my words."

"But…" Haldir tried to go against Malenardhon, but he abstained from doing the act, and instead said, "I apologize for having caused so much turmoil on you and Sardomiel…You were taking care of things that should have been handled by me." 

All his feelings, anger at his father for giving more aid to his watches rather than his own mother and sons, distressing feelings for Anar-galad not to trust him for many things he should have bestowed on his sons and pity…pity for his father for having to live a life on his own began to be in chaos all inside him as a tree's braches thrash against each other in a storm. 

"Do Naneth, Orophin, Rumil and I, if truth be told, mean so diminutive to him, Malenardhon? Why did he abandon us? We were just there…doing all that we can to ask as little a goodwill from him as possible…"

Malenardhon opened his mouth to contradict Haldir, but he directly postponed his actions and words when he saw tears brimming in his friend's eyes. He comfortingly placed his arms around the grieving form of Haldir as he muttered, "I am sorry; I knew I shouldn't have…"

But Haldir turned him away and smiled with obscurity as he tilted back his head to withhold his tears, saying, "No, I am the one who should thank you for doing all those favors for me. I know I should be of awareness of such things…"

Malenardhon searched his friend's face and said fervently, "Your father may not have abandoned you out of animosity or any other hard feeling, Haldir. He still loves you, your brothers and Arthendion; you just have to tell him your real mind-set thoughts about what he had done; being his son, he is sure to listen to you, not like to Sardomiel or to any of us, whom he has no real connection with."

But Haldir's answer was as cold and hard as the stones that lie on the very face of the snowing mountain of Caradhras. "If Adar wasn't open enough to even say his own individual plans to Naneth on his own, and hath to forward it to her through a messenger, what more openness will he show if he will have to listen to his own son?"    

Haldir, having set his jaw, agonizingly went down the mallorn in unhurried and miserable steps and went away with his eyes cast down, and Malenardhon did not have the courage speak for him to return or to restrain him.  

********** 

Have you ever felt like Haldir in this chapter? Well, to be honest, I just plucked them from my imagination, so I have definitely not experienced such neglect. So sorry if it goes against the 'facts'. 


	4. I Know I'd Give My Life for You

**Title: _"I Know I'd Give My Life For You."_**

**Author: Nefertili**

**Fandom: **Lord of the Rings

**Pairing(s): **none

**Rating: **PG13

**Genre(s): **Angst, AU

**Warning(s): **No slash this time.it is replaced by bits and pieces of violence and insults in the other chapters.

**Summary: **A glimpse on Haldir's past, and what he has long hidden from the world in his face of indifference.

**Author's Notes: **This part's going to be real angsty and didactic, so be prepared! My tribute to Haldir's Heart and Soul, my devoted reviewer! Thanks for all of your well-rounded reviews!

**********  

The eyes of the contemporary Haldir focused with a bolt from the blue. At first he couldn't find a concrete sense on where he is or what he had been doing. Time seemed to reach out to him and bridged the gap of the present and the past of his lifetime.time seemed to dissolve away, along with the unreserved importance, more precious than all the gold in Middle-Earth, it carried with it.  

"Malenardhon? Naneth?" 

The Marchwarden of Lórien felt the level and glossy bark of the mallorns of his homeland, and they seemed to extend their leafy appendages to him and brought him back to the existing Lothlórien and his body redeemed its cognizant self. 

Haldir saw something fine and glistening had fallen right in front of his weary gray eyes, and when his hands felt for them, the galadhrim found out that they were no more than his own shimmering hair which had fallen on his face as they danced along with the unheard cadence of the wind. As Haldir brushed his hair from his face; the wind, very much like a guardian itself, once more made its rounds about him. Haldir shivered slightly as the chilly air touched his perfectly tinted flesh. 

As Haldir reached for his cloak the color of shadow grey that allows him to move the length of and amongst the mallorns concealed during his sentry in Lothlórien, the Marchwarden reflected on what he had just recovered from all the neglect and depths of time. 

_I must have had forty winks as I sought to commit to memory what I ought not to remember and I dreamt.of what happened to us during Rumil's birth. _   

"You are not _that _Haldir you once thought you were, such an overly expressive and easily affronted Elf; you ought to stop exhuming for such drifting memories and acting sentimental, galadhrim of Lórien," Haldir rebuked himself as he laid down and tried to get back to the unvoiced earth of slumber. 

"Consider what Naneth once cautioned you-" Haldir abruptly brought a halt to himself as he flung his clement cloak over him and endeavored to extinguish out of mind his thoughts about Arthendion, his acclaimed mother.

However, it seemed his eyes were opened by his delusion of seeing Arthendion, Malehardhon and Anar-galad that they refused to give in to the whispers of sleep, no matter how hard the galadhrim struggled to constrain them to do so.  His sharp sense of hearing, too, seemed to reiterate for like a time without end all the words that were brought upon him during those difficult times. 

Finally, Haldir sat up once again and circumspectly glimpsed about him for any admonition of movement or for any sign of a scrutinizing eye. Having found none, he surreptitiously climbed down the tall mallorn by the silvery hithlain ropes and sought to go to a solitary place in which he would be alone to contemplate and consider things that would not permit his body and soul to rest that night. 

The night was cold, that as Haldir let out a somnolent sigh, his breath came out like a wisp of rising pure white smoke. The warden wrapped his cloak more tightly about him to prevent the wintry air from touching his fatigued flesh, but his face was without relent being stung by cold gasps of the wind; the mist that settled in Lothlórien during her early hours of waking masked his vision as well, no matter how clear the eyes of Elves were.

Haldir silently treaded the familiar paths of Lórien, guided by the crystal-clear brightness of the stars that peeked every now and then from the gaps of the mighty golden trees and their slender intricate leaves appended to willowy and slivery boughs, the face of the sliver moon which hung full that night, so cloudless and divine, and the lights of Lothlórien in their delicately patterned lamps that were hung amongst the trees to guide and give light and straightforwardness to disillusioned a passer-by.

On and on the galadhrim strode. As the distinct Elf carried on his walk, he passed both the telain of his two younger brothers, Rumil and Orophin.  Haldir paused his silent, barely discernible strides as he gazed for like an eternity the dwellings of his brothers. He knew it may seem rather injudicious in the perceptiveness of his other kindred, but Haldir didn't mind. 

_I have grown to love and be affectionate to them as those thousand years crept to its end, _Haldir told himself as he reflected. _I felt Rumil in Naneth as when she was still making him into being and breathing life to him. I oversaw Orophin as he grew from an infantile elfling to the lithe warden that he is now.  _ 

Haldir continued his stroll in so unhurriedly an hour until the mellifluous rushing of the river Celebrant could be heard as it ran along the stones that littered along its immaculate banks. The galadhrim's eyes caught a glimmer of dazzling moonbeam as he swiftly, abruptly switched his feet and walked to a particularly ancient mallorn whose roots had gone deep into the bank as it spent its sustained years of life in Lady Galadriel's Wood.

The Marchwarden grasped the sides of the mallorn steadfastly but gently and hoisted himself up in its leafy arms. As he climbed up the Golden Tree and his sunlight-gold hair was prominent among the hundreds of boughs the colour of hoarfrost and thousands of perfectly formed leaves as it glistened silver whenever it reflected the light of the moon. 

_Once they were in Naneth's arms, _Haldir thought as he placed his leg on a robust limb, took hold of another above him and pushed himself up. He took another step, another thrust, another.and another. _But now, they are grown. Sympathy they didn't have at least a fond memory of Adar like me for the reason that he left them at such a juvenile age._

Haldir did not stop his ascending the mallorn until he reached his most favorable spot, just beneath the very pinnacle of the tree. Upon reaching the mighty bough, he sat himself down and brushed stray glossy hair off his face to get a better gaze at the complete landscape extending about him like an intricate, realistic map. From the imperialistic mallorn's view, one can see the vast beauty and glory of nature as a bird soaring high in the heavens.  

The Marchwarden took his time admiring all the sceneries placed before him, as though he had never seen its magnificence clearer than always before. He eyed the vast flatland covered by the golden heads of the mallorns. Gradually, he began to be acquainted with it and probed the atlas of Lothlórien as effortlessly as a mapmaker. 

"The egress of the iniquitous Mines of Moria," Haldir muttered to himself, eyeing the grey, indifferent mountains that lay in his west. He shifted his gaze to his right; and saw more benign scenery: the borders of Greenwood the Great made dark by its evergreen trees that were never seen, or will ever be, in Lórien; amidst the growing peril that hung in the branches and shafts of the trees in the evil Dol Goldur, where the shadow of the feared Dark Lord took form. "Mirkwood."

Slightly, Haldir tilted his head and rested it against the downy but steady trunk of the Golden Tree. He saw the heavens, displaying the enigmas and secrets it kept in its infinite vastness and its sparkling stars, especially the Eärendil, the Morning Star, shining its best over the Land of the Lady of Light. 

In the eastern corner of the sky was a rosy luminosity bathed in gold that was hardly visible and recognizable amidst the silhouettes of the oaks and fir that adorned Mirkwood. 

"It is not so late, then," Haldir thought. "I did not only sleep for a few hours or minutes that I can count on my fingers.soon a new day, with new tests, will begin.

Everything I now see.our beloved Morning Star.Mirkwood.Moria.even this mallorn," Haldir whispered to himself, running his hands over silvery bark the generous tree that carried him, "is a part of me, my life and my brothers, though they never knew, and may never realize or understand."

Haldir closed his slivery eyes and he permitted himself to be borne back to the time when he, himself, sat on the same bough, saw the same landscape, though only thousands of years ago.back to his mother, Arthendion, and the life he used to be recognizable with and be included in, so much to his throbbing heart to surpass a testing ordeal. 

**********

The young form of Haldir was hardly visible through the thick foliage of the mallorn he was situated upon. All nature was glorifying the eternities of the beings that created them by bringing forth their beauty at their best, but the warden saw nothing of this. 

His heart was unhurriedly being devoured by the darkness out of his antagonism of his father and desolation and shame for his current state of being: being confused and confounded in the dark forest of labyrinth that is called reality without knowing which way to turn.

_Should I tell Naneth about what I just discovered about Adar? _Haldir asked himself remorsefully upon his deeming of the obscuring situation that was solely in his responsibility for the hundredth time. All natures of emotions began to bubble and to take form from inside him; Haldir felt as though he was being cloaked and strangled in a miasma of sentiments all muddled up together.

Haldir, nevertheless, was disheartened by the idea, as he knew Arthendion was already suffering her share of pain, far greater than his, silently and a lot more enhanced than his own yearning and fretting that was affecting him like the sea waves beating against a rock. The guardian, if truth be told, shall never allow himself to adjoin to her burden.

On his brighter side, however, he knew Arthendion hath the very right to know the whereabouts of her spouse; Haldir wouldn't want her to seem like an oblivious an Elf regarding the situation when others were already whispering about it behind her back. 

To conclude, after a great deal of thinking and debating with himself, Haldir chose the latter to tell Arthendion. He comprehended from that time on that his absolute knowledge about something so heart-stabbing about his father was encumbering him greatly, and he will not be freed from unease unless he lets it go from his conscience.  

Haldir felt as though he was in a dream as he slowly descended the mallorn; feeling remnants of dew which clung to the level bark. It was very early in the morning, when the fog of Lothlórien was just lifted from the ground. 

The galadhrim had been inattentive in his watches lately, and would usually leave his sentry ahead of time or not go to them at all; but he would do nothing all day long. Malenardhon had to make up all sorts of explanations to the other wardens who are to take their place during the day when they find him dong his duties alone. 

Malenardhon would frequently use the statements saying Haldir had so urgent a call or that he needs to attend something that could not wait that he left early. But of course, it didn't make the difference he hoped it would have made. The gossip about Haldir's mother and father broadened faster than the wildfire that once spread in the fields near Lórien. 

Other galadhrim would often tell Malenardhon to bring to Haldir their words of comfort or concern.but there were those who offered it out of pity or contempt or in the intent of humbling him that Malenardhon could not bring himself to tell it all to Haldir. He, for sure, was not fully recovered from his tribulation to take them all to himself.

The son of Anar-galad reached Arthendion's talan and he called up to her in a voice that can rival the graceful melodies of the wind and the sea. It was rather long a while before she, with Rumil in her arms, responded to him. She looked surprised to see her eldest one early in the morning, especially when he has a border to protect. Hence, she still allowed him in the talan.      

Haldir's primary and foremost reaction upon seeing his mother again was to be unsure on how Arthendion made to care for her two younger sons and get their basic needs at the same time. But at the same time he was astonished on how calmly she handled Rumil and Orophin that they, by a hair's breadth cried. And when they do, the young mother took only a few moments to appease them down again.

"Naneth, how can you do all these things all by yourself.all alone?" Haldir demanded more than asked, as his fury couldn't be concealed as straightforwardly as before, now that his emotions were yearning to burst forth from their inside caverns.

Arthendion answered him leniently, "I am not entirely handling them alone, Haldir. Beinaras takes care of my and your brothers' daily needs when I can't provide them. Many other Elves visit me and offer help or words of encouragement. Your Adar, himself, sent something to me-"

"How can you act so normally, Naneth?" Haldir interrupted. Rumil awoke with a start and Orophin, who was busy playing with a mallorn leaf, looked up from his play in surprise. "You can't hide or deny it; Naneth. I see your growing sufferings, day by day. You have to endure all hardships because of Adar, because of his forsaking of us. Yet how can you act as though Adar still cares for us the way he had before?"

The Elvish mother replied with a smile, as though she was talking about a more positive theme, "It is because Anar-galad still cares for us, my Eldest."

This time, Haldir let go of all his pent-up feelings. "How and why can you say so? Naneth, can't you understand? Malenardhon actually sent his brother to Adar to ask him to come back to us, but Adar refused! He even said something not as pleasurable to Sadomiel! How is it, Naneth? I cannot comprehend how you manage to go through all these afflictions." The galadhrim's incensed voice broke off. 

Haldir, because of his rage, had frightened the young Rumil and he began to cry. Haldir, himself, stared at his clenched hands on his lap as glistening drops of tears as clear as pure stream water from the Nimrodel began to trickle from his grey eyes and shower on them as the young warrior began to weep without his becoming aware of. 

However, Haldir felt his mother's hands, as tender and motherly as they had always been, wipe his tears from his face and gently nudged his head to rest on her shoulder. Haldir did not resist, and he closed his eyes as he reached for Arthendion's hands. 

"Listen to me, Haldir," she whispered in his ear comfortingly as she gave his hand an affectionate clasp. "And allow me to touch your heart and pacify your distressed soul, my beloved." 

Arthendion then took hold of the crying Rumil and san a song to him. 

_"You who I cradled in my arms,_

_You asking as little as you can,_

_Little snip of a little one,_

_I know I'd give my life for you._

Haldir slightly raised his head from his mother's shoulder, as though the first words of the song got through him as lightning, striking up a fire so deep-seated in his heart at its wake.  

_You didn't ask me to be born, you._

_Why should you learn of war or pain?_

_To make sure you're not hurt again,_

_I swear I'd give my life for you._

_I've tasted love beyond all fear._

_And you should know it is love that brought you here._

_And in one perfect night,_

_When the stars burned like new,_

_I knew what I must do._

_I'd give you a million things I'd never own,_

_I'd give you a world to conquer when you're grown,_

_You will be who you want to be,_

_You can choose whatever heaven grants._

_As long as you can have your chance,_

_I swear I'll give my life for you._

The galadhrim, as he tenderly watched his mother bring out the beautiful and inspiring words in such a powerful approach, noticed, then as Arthendion sang the following verse of the song's lyrics, her eyes began to brim with crystalline tears. It did not take Haldir long to know the reason why, and he understood it more than he thought he can in his own prospective. 

_Sometimes I wake up_

_Reaching for him,_

_I feel his shadow brush my hand,_

_But there's just moonlight on my bed._

_Was he a ghost?_

_Was he a lie?_

_That made my body laugh and cry._

_Then by my side, the proof I see,_

_His little one, gods of the sun,_

_Bring him to me._

Arthendion's voice began to falter, and be obstructed by her tears.  Haldir gently placed his hand on her faint cheek, but his mother compassionately shook her head and closed his mouth with her perfectly formed fingers as she continued. 

_You will be who you want to be,_

_You can choose whatever heaven grants,_

_As long as you can have your chance,_

_I swear I'll give my life for you._

_No one can stop what I must do._

_I swear I'll give my life for you."_

When the song finally reached its end, Haldir was dawned by realizations. He knew he had heard Arthendion hum this tune more than he can count with his fingers before. He knew she uses the poignant melody as a lullaby to conciliate Rumil and Orophin whenever they needed reconciliation, but he never knew the words could ever bring forth a strong influence on his spirit.  So strong it was that it seemed moreover superior for a simple lullaby. 

While Arthendion tenderly placed the now sleeping Rumil on a soft mantle, Haldir was so enthralled in his own private reflections that it took him long to feel a gentle, playful poking on his arm. When he looked beside him he saw his other younger brother, Orophin smiling at him and pressing a golden mallorn leaf on is palm.

"'Aldeer," little Orophin chuckled softly, as his own miniature tongue couldn't pronounce is older brother's name clearly and in a good way yet. 

Haldir was forced to smile back and accept the simple gift from his brother. He lightly and gaily tickled the elfling's pointed ears as he said with thanks, "This is very beautiful, Orophin, thank you."

Orophin smiled as though he understood the warden's words. He tried repeating the word 'beautiful' but could not help but stumble over and be confused with the syllables.  

On his other side, Haldir could hear Arthendion laughing quietly as she reached out and gently pinched Orophin's cheek, saying with praise, "That was very good, Orophin."

Orophin's little eyes brightened up and he, as was his habit, began to pull at Haldir's unblemished silvery hair. Haldir, in turn, slightly let out a word of surprise as Arthendion assisted him in loosening his grasp. Orophin then playfully encircled his stubby arms around Haldir's waist and in no time at all, he was soundly slumbering on Haldir's lap.    

Arthendion was about to stand up as though getting ready to place her other son on a supple blanket, but Haldir held up his hand. He uneasily but soothingly lifted up Orophin in his arms and placed him beside Rumil all by himself, for the first time.

When he sat beside Arthendion again, he kept his head down as he said in an embarrassed tone, "Please accept my forgiveness, Naneth. I misunderstood where you found your delight yet I chose to remain distrustful and pessimistic about things."

Haldir then heard Arthendion's voice with its motherly eminence ring in his ears. "I do understand why you feel this way, Haldir. I cannot blame you for nursing such anger for your Adar, for I felt the same way at first, when Anar-galad chose his duties over us, the family he and I built."

"Then.how-"

"How did I overcome it?" Arthendion finished Haldir's question for him. She gradually raised her son's head towards her as she said it. Haldir saw her eyes, and they were shining with gladness as they looked back at his own. "You were my inspiration, Haldir. I will never forget the way you tried to draw me from my misery. Forgive me if ever I did not seem responsive to your efforts, but you in point of fact provided me my strength to carry on, my son."  

Haldir saw Arthendion smile at him as he replied, "When Orophin offered me this in so gentle an approach," he opened his palm to reveal the mallorn leaf and his eyes softened to some extent, "I felt as though he slapped me in the face. As though he was telling me, 'You must be feeling shame about yourself, brother'. I suddenly felt embarrassed and unworthy.for not having found pleasure in what others find the ordinary, and to live a life in the light."

Arthenion then answered of her son, "I have been reflecting on how I shall make you realize that, Haldir. Sometimes, more often than not, we think these little ones know nothing about the world, but, if truth be told, they know what ought to be known: its side that is filled with luminosity. Wherein we, those who have lived longer and learned of more serious things, have clouded minds regarding such thought and could only see darkness and the pains of both loving and living."

She paused for a while to allow Haldir to bring into himself what she said before carrying on. "As for Anar-galad, you must know of _our _story for you to understand how I feel and how I think. Do you wish that this account, of your Naneth and Adar, be told unto you, Haldir?" 

When Haldir nodded obediently and tucked his some of the stray silvery hair behind his pointed ears, she began her tale of triumph.

"Have you ever thought of Mirkwood, Haldir?" Arthendion asked.

"Naneth." Haldir answered with uncertainty plain in his voice. "I never really did pay awareness to that dark green land near our east and its connection with us galadhrim."

Arthendion smiled a serene smile of thoughtfulness. "I understand you, beloved; as we are very distant from our kindred of the north. But did it ever suggest itself to you that I came from Greenwood the Great?"

She then took the galadhrim bow Haldir had with him and fitted an arrow from his quiver on its bowstring. Then, after asking Haldir to throw a severed mallorn branch, thick and strong, up in the air, she shot the arrow and in a flash, the mallorn bough was split in two with a loud crack at midair.  

Haldir stared with awe at the skill he never knew Arthendion was so adroit at. At once, one unanswered question Haldir never in actuality intended to ask received its answer. Why his mother looked so different in corporeal from Lady Galadriel's own people: she never was a dweller of Lothlórien from the start. 

"Then, Naneth.how in the name of the Valar did you come to these Lands?"

Arthendion sighed despondently as she put down the bow and fingered her dark locks lovingly. "I learned such skills of the bow and arrow in Mirkwood. I remember having a dignified family, but not a very affectionate and contented one. My Adar, my Naneth.I was their only child, and a female Elf at that. They always wanted sons to carry on the family name, but they had me, a daughter instead."

Haldir clung on to his mother's every word.

"I remember running away from them. They delighted in thwarting my modest desires: freedom.and to be loved the way I should be loved as an adoring parent would to its child. One time, they decided I was to be given in marriage to someone I never, in truth, met in my entire immortality.

I tried to talk them out of the marriage. I do not want to be given just like an ordinary, unimportant entity at that. But they _ordered _me to follow their wishes: something I cannot do after all my silent sufferings of their insults upon me. I decided I couldn't stay in Mirkwood for a while longer." She silenced herself for a while to let Haldir reflect. "Do thou have a notion on where I went, my Eldest?"      

Haldir knew the answer even right before Arthendion asked the question. "You ran away to Lothlórien, didn't you, Naneth?"

"Yes, that was when and where I met your Adar, Anar-galad. He was a warden, and he did what any warden should do to a suspicious passer-by in his land: he questioned me on my presence in his Lady's Wood.

I was overcome with a feeling of distrust, fear and anger that he had to threaten me to being sent before the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel before I narrated to him my reasons. But." Haldir caught a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

"But what, Naneth?" Haldir asked impatiently. 

Arthendion had to laugh over her son's keenness. She continued, "He used _my _reasons to trap me into staying in Lothórien, and in his own talan at that!" Eyeing Haldir's eyes, he saw a confused question in them, she explained what she meant. 

"I had left my place in Mirkwood, and I have nowhere to go. Anar-galad made use of that to make me stay so I can have a place to live in, be loved, and be accepted unlike the past I left behind. A good reason, yes, but a rather impish one, as well. I learned to laugh over it as the years passed and see its blessing in disguise.

I never talked to him full conversations during my first month in his dwelling, but he was patient for such stubborn a creature as I am. He then told _his_ story to me. And if there is really such a thing as fate or coincidence, our stories were strikingly comparable. 

He told me all about his parents who also tried to persuade him to marry another Elf he didn't love that he fled under the protection of the Lady Galadriel. She accepted him and prevented any marriage from happening. To show her his gratitude, he served as one of her galadhrim and his parents left for the West, to the Lands that Never Die."

Arthendion looked up to the skies that were deep blue, as the morning was very early. "I became close to him after that, as close as the closest of acquaintances. He even trusted me so much that one time, when he was assigned to watch at night, he took me with him. We weren't really paying attention to our duty, but instead watched the stars and I was astonished of not having seen such beautiful a sight in my entire immortal life.as though life renewed itself.

But trouble began to brew, as Marchwarden Arthrabeth-he was still the captain that time, Haldir-found out that Anar-galad abandoned his duties for me, and finding out that I came from Mirkwood, demanded that he release me."

Haldir was stunned that the previous Marchwarden dared to do such a thing to his mother and father. 

"Anar-galad was forced to give in, as it was really his own will, not mine that I stay, but I refused to go. Not only was my reason that I never would want to go back to the life I struggled to escape from, but also I had fallen in love with your Adar. He had loved me, too, he admitted, from the time he first saw me as the person in exile from Mirkwood."

Arthendion smiled as she recalled those blissful times that she knew were lost to her forever. "We were married with Lady Galadriel's permission, provided that Anar-galad will not overlook his duties. It was then did he prove his true love for me with a present he gave me." She then reached underneath her dark hair and pulled out a silvery strand with a sparkling scarlet translucent gem the form of a five-petal flower surrounded by a cluster of smooth green crystals in the form of leaves as its pendant. It was much like the Evenstar of the Lady itself.

After handing Haldir the gem for him to examine, she said, "He made it himself. It carries no particular power whatsoever, only a symbolism. The sparkle of the gem represents the stars which we saw on the night when we first came together with intimate closeness; the flower form he sees me as such, a beauty, he says-"

"And you really are, Naneth." Haldir told her as he lovingly locked the necklace around his mother's slender neck once more.

Arthendion smiled shyly as she touched the gem with one hand and Haldir's cheek with the other, saying, "Thank you, my Eldest. And of course, its scarlet colour represents, in Anar-galad's view, bravery and valor, which he knows I am. I still love him, perceive. And I still hath not the desire to stop wearing our keepsake. 

When I had you, my Haldir, and your brothers, I was determined that I will never let you experience all the unconcern I underwent.I was resolute that you have loving parents       continuously by your side.But your Adar's occupation, to my sadness, won't allocate that."

"You probably had chances from whence you could have escaped from Adar's clutches," Haldir said. "Why didn't you take advantage of them?"

Arthendion sighed. "I wonder, myself. But I felt as though it's Fate's decision that I stay in Lothlórien.and as though Anar-galad had worked his way into my heart." 

When his mother's story reached its end, Haldir savored his time on gazing at Arthendion, then to Rumil and Orophin both in the halls of sleep nearby. 

"Us.we."

"Yes," Arthendion finished, apparently knowing his thoughts. "From my running away from Mirkwood, you all were created. Do you, young Elf, understand what this desired to tell thee?" 

Haldir shrugged and looked about his beautiful surroundings made unsullied by the golden mallorns, apparently thinking deeply. "That event thus says that what we do affects our future?"

Arthendion replied, "Aye, and that everything, may be it positive or negative, has its use in this world, in its circle of existence that hath remained unbroken amidst all evil. Do you, Haldir think I would have met your Adar and had you, Rumil and Orophin if my parents weren't the beings I hath fled from to escape further discrimination?" 

"Never, Naneth."

 "Then please apprehend that we ought to have balance, Haldir. Hardships are made to balance that sphere that marks and makes life. We cannot learn to endure and be what we should become without the corresponding challenges, the way there can't be trials without endurance and fortitude. We can never change the reality that life will remain to be that way, but we can change ourselves for the better.  If my memory does not deceive me, I remember you asked of me once whether we should be ourselves to become what we should be."

"Yes I did...so long ago that I can hardly remember."

Arthendion answered of Haldir, "I, once, wondered as well how it feels to be in the same point of view of the world as Rumil and Orophin, such a carefree but positive sight. The advantage of being childlike-not childish or irresponsible-is that you have incorruptibility and innocence, you find no fault in the world, you just accept without further protests or complaints, and in a way, dependent to the Ones Who created us and live life for Them alone.

But," the She-Elf's eyes slightly lost their sheen as she continued her statement, "the world cannot allow that. Especially for you, now that you are a warrior. You have to learn to appreciate differences and to make choices, principally the divergence between being who thou are and allowing your heart prevail over your mind. Tell me, Haldir. Tell me why you were neglecting your duties lately.the way your Adar did centuries ago."

Haldir felt as though Arthendion had just thrust him awake from a deep sleep. "Naneth.your son does not deny it, but how in all Middle-Earth did the narrative reach thee?" 

"Your friend Malenardhon is concerned about you, my son. He came to me himself to tell you to go on and strive to attain the life you once knew. He could not bear to tell it to you just as he is, as he felt _unworthy._"

Haldir let out a dismal sigh. He knew very well why his friend felt such 'unworthiness' to do such a thing. He was a plain acquaintance, never different from all the hundreds that dwell in Lothlórien; and going into Haldir's individual thoughts is after all, not congenial.

"But Haldir," Arthendion continued, "do not think appalling thoughts about him, as he only wishes you his best. I, myself, told him he ought to have said it to you himself if he really wants to deserve the title as a good friend."

"And he really is," Haldir replied solemnly.

"Consequently, why do you think you derelict your duties?"  

"Because.because." Haldir found it hard to express his thoughts into words for his mother to understand. "I am concerned for thee, Naneth."

"I knew you would give me that answer. A perfect example of putting your heart first over your mind. You neither must nor let what you feel strangle and get hold of you. You are a warden now; and it hath responsibilities that come with it. You chose to travel a selfless path; your discipline must be strong as your strength of character, in order to be able to say no to yourself without hurting or breaking this," she took his hand and placed it over his chest, over his heart. 

"A warrior's life is of service," she kept on, "and it allows no intimate thoughts or emotions to get in its way. You must be the strong side of your self, but you must learn to reinforce your body and your soul as well from the pains of being someone you are not. Most of all, you must learn to acclimatize and get by with whoever you may be asked to face; as the world of Middle-Earth is not entirely sympathetic the way it is not fully evil. Haldir, please promise me that you won't allow me to be a hindrance to your duties."

"I promise you."  

"And your Adar, do not hold hate against him. His path as a Marchwarden calls for devotion, to leave everything behind. But he experienced how it is to love as a father, and it will never be taken from him. Though I may doubt his presence at times when I recall what we once were, I know he still hath that love left for me inside his heart, for I have you, his little ones, loving me just as he had. Especially you, Haldir, as you are the only one among your brothers who resembles him."

She paused before saying, "And I know you, Haldir, still haven't lost your respect for Anar-galad. If you have lost it for all eternity, you wouldn't have the strength to call him 'Adar'. Am I right, Haldir?" 

When Haldir nodded in agreement after a moment of thinking over the statement, Arthendion said, "I swear to you I will give all that I can, all my life for you, my sons. I have lived my life, full and bravely, but yours is just starting. All that I have left of my immortality is for me to guide you, and when you are totally gone from my grasp, I will know I can already succumb to peace."  

Haldir took her hand in his and with all sincerity, said, "And I to you, Naneth." He focused his apt eyes on his brothers as he said with equal candor, "And to Rumil and Orophin as well."

Arthendion nodded with a stronger glint in her eyes, and she handed her Eldest his bow and quiver of arrows as she motioned him to the silvery hithlain ladder, saying, "Attend your sentry, Haldir, and renew yourself."

Haldir, however, looked reluctantly at the sun, which had fully arisen from the eastern horizon, "But the time."

However, Arthendion was persistent and she led him down the talan. Then, without letting go of his arm, said, "Show the world that you will meet their expectations, and time cannot stop one's self from correcting one's mistakes for the better."

Haldir gazed at his mother's fair face for a long time, until he smiled, and thrusting his quiver of arrows behind him, said fervently, "I will, Naneth. And I love you."

Arthendion just looked at him with an expression that was difficult to read before she answered simply, "I love you too, Haldir, my son."

As he went to his watch to be welcomed by a relieved Malenardhon to find him the spirited yet steady Elf as he knows him, he looked back to find his beloved Arthendion looking back at him with a smile, the scarlet gem gleaming like stars on her chest. And for the first time, she seemed as though she never hath sufferings in her life before.         

**********

Okay, my so-called 'philosophies' coming into view.I really need all that Arthendion told Haldir these days. **And **I'm also close to being heartbroken because of the truth called Reality, if you only knew.


	5. I've Tasted Love Beyond All Fear

**Title: _"I've Tasted Love Beyond All Fear…"_**

**Author: Nefertili**

**Fandom: **Lord of the Rings

**Pairing(s): **none

**Rating: **PG13

**Genre(s): **Angst, AU

**Warning(s): **No slash this time…it is replaced by bits and pieces of violence and insults in the other chapters.

**Summary: **A glimpse on Haldir's past, and what he has long hidden from the world in his face of indifference.

**Author's Notes: **There, there, chapter four is here. I took a break because school is getting very demanding. One last reminder: this story is AU, not canon. Timelines are disregarded or this story will not work.

Haldir looked with questioning eyes at Malenardhon, who seemed deep in thought as well.

Marchwarden Anar-galad had urgently called for a select number of the wardens of Lothlórien from their sentry as he would like to announce to them something.

"Adar would not call us off from duty for any simple reason at all," Haldir said as they swung their quivers on their backs and headed for Caras Galadhon on their horses. They came from the Northern Fences, and they have been traveling for more than a day just to attend their captain's meeting. "Why do I have so strange a feeling that this would turn out to be a war council?"

"Aye, with all the Orcs keeping us busy," Malenardhon sighed. "I had to double my arrows as I found out I nearly ran out of them once…they never advanced in such numbers that Sardomiel and Thangail were assigned to the same border as us."

He then locked his moss green eyes at his fellow companion. "Haldir, may I ask you a question? Would you mind if it's rather personal?"

Haldir looked back at him thoughtfully before he nodded.

"Why do you have the strength to call Marchwarden Anar-galad 'Adar', Haldir? I know you got over your grief a long time ago, since your brothers were still infants, but I cannot understand how…"

"You are not in my place, you cannot understand," Haldir said with an air of majestic mystery. "I doubt someone else does…except Naneth."

Malenardhon did not bother to interrogate him further. It has been long since Haldir's father, their very own Marchwarden, had left his mother Arthendion to lead the warriors of the Golden Wood, along with two of his sons, Rumil and Orophin, at that time still too young to understand. But it was different for Haldir; he _was _old enough to value. Malenardhon was relieved that the impacts of the old controversy had dimmed, that people hardly talk about it anymore; especially that Rumil and Orophin were now nearly in their majority. Though it may seem a great age to humans, they are still too young to be wardens of the active guard like their older brother Haldir…and may not be prepared enough to know the identity of their real father.

Not a word was spoken between Haldir and Malenardhon until they reached Caras Galadhon. They had been there once or twice…though for celebrations given by the Lord and the Lady were the main reasons. This one would surely, undoubtedly, be different…

Marchwarden Anar-galad took his place in the very center of the guardians of Lothlórien. He had with him a scroll made of very smooth paper under his arm, but Haldir noticed his face looked pensive. It was then did Haldir notice the change of his father physically since the last time he saw him. His face seemed to be as hard as stone, his dark eyes forthright and penetrating…the face sculpted by his duties. Anar-galad's son could hardly believe such face once smiled at the beautiful Elf that was his mother and taught him the basics of bow skill and handling Elven knives.

When all the wardens settled down on their designated places, the captain of the guardians spoke to them in a leveled voice.

"Evil has indeed taken form in Middle-Earth, since the fall of the Dark Lord Melkor. You have seen the signs in our very own borders: orcs setting our grasslands on fire and attempting to raid our beloved Lothlórien.

Sauron, the Deceiver, who had ordered the forging the Rings of Power, including Lady Galadriel's Nenya, now challenges the sovereignty of Middle-Earth, as he hath made himself a Ring to rule all the rings that were forged. The nine Kings of Men and the seven Lords of the Dwarves had succumbed to his power; it is now up to us, Elves, to bring him down."

Murmurs and agitated whispers began to break out in the assembly. Anar-galad held up a warning hand and once more silenced the crowd.

"Hence, we cannot do thus alone. Gil-galad, the High King of the Noldor, hath allied himself with King Elendil of Men. Along with them, and their forces, we will fight to liberate Middle-Earth. The lands which were once free but near the Land of Shadow had already fallen to the armies of the Dark Lord; it is up to us to fight and free the peoples of Middle-Earth or allow him to dominate our Lands!"

Beside him, Haldir heard a voice which he recognized as Thangail's whispering to the Elf opposite him, "Why fight, when we could just simply sail to the Undying Lands and leave trouble behind? And besides, Men brought doom to their own head by their easily corrupted hearts!"

Haldir longed to answer back to Thangail, but he controlled himself as he saw Anar-galad open the scroll which he carried with him.

"The War Council hath carefully decided on the wardens who are to take part on the War of Mordor. Those who will not go in with those wardens shall continue to protect and patrol our borders. We might expect Evil of all forms attacking us, though far we may be from the Dark Lands."

Gradually he began to read out names of those who will fight the war which were written in the scroll. Haldir wasn't surprised when he heard his name called, but Malenardhon was, as he was never as good at handling arrows and bows and swords as his close companion, and was often told by Master Hallador to practice over the training time.

After the very last name was called, Anar-galad rolled up the scroll and dismissed the multitude. Wardens, at once, began to talk among themselves and how they felt about going to war. Many, like Haldir and Malenardhon, haven't had experienced such warfare, and were rather not fearless.

As Haldir sat on his white and brown speckled horse, Malenardhon asked him, "What do thou reckon why they chose me to fight such a war? I am not good as you are..."

Haldir faced him with a warm look in his eyes as he said in reply, "So simple an answer, mellon. They believe in you; _I _believe in your capabilities. You are swift yourself, Malenardhon, you only have to discover that you can be as good as anyone else. Besides, I may not be the best warrior in the world; do not base your thinking entirely on my competences."

Malenardhon shrugged as he mounted his own steed. "I always thought you were."

Haldir could not help smiling out of his own pride. He was starting to appreciate others admiring his skill, if not his rank.

_Just one more day, and we shall be marching off to the Pits of Mordor…marching perhaps to our doom…_

"Haldir?"

Haldir blinked many times before being transported back to reality. He was under the shade of his favorite mallorn tree near the river Celebrant, contemplating on the upcoming war. He had hoped to take in the beauty of the fair wood that afternoon, in case he might not live to see them again. He looked to his right, and he couldn't help but smile to see his two younger brothers.

"Rumil," he addressed the younger one and gently squeezed the shoulder of the older, "Orophin, what made you seek me out?"

Orophin had smiled, bitterly though, and shrugged. Rumil had taken hold of Haldir's hand and grasped it tightly, as though he expected him to run off any moment from now. Haldir was surprised to see them this tense, this troubled. He slowly steered them into a sitting position below the golden tree before asking.

"What troubles you so? Can I be of any help?"

Orophin fastened his young eyes, as grey as his older brother's, on Haldir. "You're going off to the war tomorrow."

"Who knows what might befall our older brother and best confidant?" Rumil added miserably. His eyes were downcast and it was clear that he was trying to hold back his tears.

Haldir's heart softened considerably. He each wrapped an arm around his siblings and held them together. Rumil rested his head on Haldir's shoulder and out spilled his tears from his smoky gray eyes, wetting Haldir's silvery hair. Orophin, too, laid his magnificent head against Haldir's shoulder, but he kept his emotions at bay, which Haldir thought was appropriate.

Allowing Haldir to stroke his platinum locks, Rumil sniffed, trying to do away with his tears. "Who's going to help us train now?"

"Rumil, Rumil," Haldir had answered soothingly, "Who says your oldest brother shall be gone forever once he enters Mordor? And besides, Naneth is still there for you in case…"

It was now Orophin's turn to speak. "Promise us, Haldir that when the war is over, you shall return to us safe and sound."

"Orophin…" Haldir considered going against his brothers. After all, Arthendion herself had counseled him to always be prepared, as fate is unpredictable, and more often than not, against our wishes.

"Please, Haldir, promise us!" Rumil piped up, clutching at Haldir's grey tunic and burying his young Elven face in his brother's long silvery locks.

"Brothers," Haldir said in an attempt to struggle out of the subject, "we can never know what Vairë weaves in her threads of fate…"

Rumil and Orophin, however, were not so eager to let go of Haldir that easily. Orophin took Haldir's left hand and squeezed it pleadingly, saying, "Please, brother, if it is the last thing you would do…"

"Assure us, Haldir," Rumil said determinedly, looking up from Haldir's hair. "Assure us that you shall come back to us safe and sound, without any injuries so serious…Please, for the sake of Naneth and us, promise to us, Haldir!"

It troubled his heart greatly to see his siblings this distraught. He was even struck when Rumil mentioned their mother. _I'd better talk to her later and say my farewells…_

Haldir rubbed his fingers against that of his brothers comfortingly before finally giving in to them.

"I promise, Rumil, Orophin, that I shall return to you in one piece."

Rumil had smiled again at Haldir's choice of words, but a more concerned Orophin still had on an expression of outmost seriousness.

"We will hold you on to that promise," Orophin had said.

"And you shall, indeed," Haldir replied. He then pulled them both up and asked, "Perhaps a little sparring shall brighten up your spirits, brothers? I'm always ready for a game." They all laughed as one and agreed. Many an afternoon they had used their skills on each other and Haldir had patiently taught them all the skills he learned from Anar-galad. Arthendion sometimes even accompanied them, and even helped her eldest tutor her younger sons. Haldir, though he had no reason to do so, was surprised to see his mother's fun-loving side he had never known before.

_Ai, Adar, they need you too, you know. No one but you can teach them most effectively… _Haldir thought to himself as he unsheathed his sword and ducked a swing of Orophin's metal blade. They all took turns sparring with each other, and it was pure fun yet also a wonderful learning experience. Blocking a sword thrust from his younger brother with his own blade, Haldir smiled to himself; that was an impressive one from Orophin. _Just wait until they advance to the active guard…we might even understand each other better, then._

Arthendion gently stroked her eldest son's platinum locks as his head rested on her lap. Haldir let her do so, marveling at how gentle her fingers were, still, after handling three elflings and striving to make two of them live a normal life without their father. Her face was beautiful still, but sad. Her dark locks framed her meditative and wan face like a veil, giving her an air of mystery. Haldir felt her loneliness as the years came to pass since Anar-galad left her, and it increased with each year that came. It was, however, not enough to make her fade away. She clung on to her sons to sustain the breath of life in her body.

"Naneth, I feel this is too early for this to happen," Haldir whispered for her ears alone. He squeezed one of her smooth hands affectionately and kissed it out of a son's admiration and respect for his mother. "I feel I am too young to do this… I don't want to leave you, Orophin and Rumil. Yet I know duty calls…"

Arthendion smiled sincerely, but Haldir could read the unhappiness in her eyes. She became more desolate from her people as the years came to pass, and seldom was her singing voice and captivating laughter heard in the woods.

"You have proven to me that you are no longer the mallorn sapling I knew you were. I am gladdened that you kept my teachings to heart," she replied. Then she sighed and temporarily stopped her stroking of her son's silken hair. "You have indeed grown into a majestic mallorn. You have strong roots and you don't need my post of support for you to stay on your feet. I can finally rest."

At these words, Haldir sat up to face his mother. He gently placed a finger under her chin and lifted her beautiful face to meet his. Arthendion's face was perfectly neutral; Haldir shivered, for the absence of her smile made her look like a hard-faced warrior who went through many a battle.

"Please, Naneth, speak not of passing across the Sea!" Haldir pleaded. "Think of Orophin and Rumil, they need you too! You held on to us all these years; please, you can't let go now! Why now, Naneth?"

Arthendion pulled her gaze away from him sharply, as tears made their way down her haggard cheeks. "Haldir, you are powerless over me! You have tried, all those years, to alleviate my pain, but my son, it runs deeper than you can ever imagine! It seems that hanging on to you and your brothers is not enough. I love you, Haldir, do not get me wrong. I know you do love me, too, but hope is weak on me! I feel my end is near. If you chose to go to Mordor, so be it. But I cannot promise I'll be here to welcome you back."

Haldir was stunned to hear his mother speak like this. She never seemed so hopeless, so desperate. She then turned to him and placed a hand on his cheek.

"Haldir, the pain shall engulf me if I stay in Middle Earth. If I ought to go to Mandos' Halls, then so be it. May the Valar lead me to a place where Anar-galad and I be together as we were before…Haldir, please take care of your brothers. I love them no less than I love you. Maybe someday we can be a full family again…someday. Farewell!

I send you no advice, for I know not the bitterness or the horror of war. All I could send is my love for you. I believe you shall live, and I now let you go from my control. I love you. May Elbereth's grace be on your side, my love."

Haldir was pondering on what his mother just said. In a few hours, he would be preparing to march to Gorgoroth with the rest of the army. Sitting under his favorite mallorn tree beside the river, he took the time to try to understand Arthendion's message. What did she mean by her farewell? Is she foresighted enough to foresee her own doom? Had she finally begun to fade? And if so, why now, of all the years?

A strong yet gentle hand on his shoulder drove Haldir from his daydreams. He looked up and did not conceal his amazement to see Anar-galad looking back at him. How did he come to be there? His approach was so stealthy that Haldir did not even notice him.

"Adar…" Haldir muttered. To his surprise, his father let out a sigh that almost broke his heart.

"Haldir, you still call me your father?" said he. "How can you do so? I would prefer to be called a traitor."

Haldir stood up to be level with Anar-galad. He made it a point to look straight into his father's eyes, which were as grey as his. Anar-galad did not look away.

"Ada, how could you say such things? Without you, your sons would never have been born! Without you, Naneth would never have found a home where she feels accepted and loved!"

At the mention of Arthendion, Anar-galad placed a hand on his son's hair, gently caressing it in a father's way. He smiled, though very sadly and there was guilt imprinted clearly in his eyes.

"Arthendion, I loved all these years, son. I speak the truth; I still do. Yet centuries ago, before Rumil was born, I was blinded by my rank, and it was only when I saw you and your mother helping train Orophin and Rumil many a morning and many an evening did I realize what I have thrown away. My mistake, I realized. Yet my guilt was deep, and it prevented me from asking for forgiveness. I also considered the fact that my reputation as Marchwarden was at stake. Yet at what cost? I tried to say goodbye to your mother, Haldir. Yet she shunned me and fled, sobbing. Her grief stabbed my heart deeply; it went back to me double. I should have gone back to you. I shouldn't have…"

Anar-galad broke off. Haldir placed his arms around his father's trembling form with the comforting words, "Ada, we still love you no matter who you are."

Anar-galad moved his head to face his son's. "I can see the sincerity in your eyes, my son. I love you and your brothers, too. My hear contracts in pain upon seeing Orophin and Rumil being so close by yet they know me as their Marchwarden, not as their father. I have so wished…"

Haldir silenced his father with the words. "Ada, when this war is over, we shall reveal to them who you really are. They have the right to know, yet I will not do so unless it is of your will. Please Adar, make up with Naneth. Your love is all that she ever wanted."

"I know," Anar-galad said, cupping Haldir's face with one hand. "I shall pay for the consequences of my actions. May Elbereth lend me the strength to see my beloved Arthendion again. You have inherited her bow skills, Haldir. I have seen you in your training, and I am pleased that you have exceeded my expectations.

Yet, son, I would like to tell you that I am grateful to you and your mother. Thank you letting me taste love in a time of fear. Arthendion is my heart and my soul, and once I return, I shall never abandon her."

_Will Haldir's family be reunited again?_


	6. You Should Know It's Love That Brought Y...

**Title: _"You Should Know It's Love That Brought You Here…"_**__

**Author: Nefertili**

**Fandom: **Lord of the Rings

**Pairing(s): **none

**Rating: **PG13

**Genre(s): **Angst, AU

**Warning(s): **No slash this time…it is replaced by bits and pieces of violence and insults in the other chapters.

**Summary: **A glimpse on Haldir's past, and what he has long hidden from the world in his face of indifference.

**Author's Notes: **Ahee, brace yourselves! Lots and lots of tears and sadness in this chapter. Please don't flame me. This is just the way the story goes. I never would want to write another fic like this, I must admit. Don't worry, this is the last really sad fic I shall ever write, take my word for it. I promise! By the way, thank you, thank you, Whisky and Sparky, for helping me get over my damn writer's block! I don't know how I'd make it without you two!

The war was terrible beyond words to comprehend. Wherever his eyes looked, Haldir saw fear and terror reigning. He had seen Ereinion Gil-galad and his herald Elrond Peredhil in their glory and splendor, and had stood closely observing his father throughout the war.

Mordor was clearly an evil place. The sun could not send her warm rays down the inhospitable land below, and dark veils of smoke and darkness from the mouths of Orodruin blackened the sky and obscured its beautiful blue hue. The ground was tinted black and grey with mud and filth, and red was now being mixed in as blood gushed forth from the gashes of dead or wounded warriors.

A shout from the frontlines, whose voice Haldir recognize to be Elrond's signaled the warriors to ready their weapons. Arrows were drawn and fired. The clang of metal against metal rang clearly amongst the multitude. Haldir had bit his lips and drew forth his sword from the sheath. No more than it had been drawn when it slashed at its first orc. Every now and then, he would be slashed with several minor cuts that did not run deep. Where was Malenardhon? They had been separated as the march carried on.

Just then, Haldir noticed that near the frontlines, there was great commotion then suddenly, stillness. He stopped, but still held his bloodstained blade in front of him. Haldir's mouth dropped when he beheld a dark armored figure, taller than any Elf or Man, approaching the frontlines. His keen Elven vision made out the gleam of a golden ring in a finger of the creature's hand grasping a huge black mace. It could only be…

Haldir's mind went blank when the dark figure raised its mace and struck the people in the frontlines with such force that limp figures of Men and Elves flew in the air. They were dead before their bodies touched the lifeless earth of Mordor.

"No…" he muttered to himself. Then reality splashed upon him like a bucket of cold water on his head. Anar-galad was fighting in the frontlines! "No! No! No! Adar! You can't be dead! You can't be dead! Can't be!" His mother's image flashed in his mind, his brothers who were waiting for him back in the Golden Wood. No, his father must live, for Arthendion's sake! May Elbereth listen!

Haldir ran towards the frontlines, heeding not the danger he faced. He brought down all the orcs which dared to block his path. His eyes scanned his surroundings for any trace of Anar-galad. He found him, indeed, lying down limp near the place where Sauron delivered his first blow of his evil mace. His armor was stained with his blood and the orcs' black ones. Haldir noted that part of it had been destroyed due to the impact of Sauron's blow. Anar-galad's grey eyes were closed, and his usually neat silvery hair was disheveled and dirtied with mud and grime. But as Haldir rushed by his side, he opened his eyes and smiled up at his son, though very weakly and sadly.

"Haldir, my heart is gladdened to see you still living," Anar-galad muttered weakly, his voice broken and hoarse. Haldir let his sword drop to the ground as he clutched his father's frail form close to his heart. He wiped away a tear which was making its way down Anar-galad's cheek and gently brushed the dried silver hair from his father's face.

"Ada, hold on," Haldir said, cradling Anar-galad's gradually drooping head. "Think of Naneth. She is awaiting your return. She still loves you…"

Anar-galad looked up at Haldir. It was evident that he was making an effort to do so. "She…still…does?"

"Yes, Ada, she never has stopped loving you," Haldir replied quickly to reassure his dying father. "Don't waste your strength, Adar. You can make it. We shall find victory over the enemy! Remember Naneth, remember Arthendion…" Before he knew it, fresh tears were leaving his eyes and dripping down his fair face.

Anar-galad gradually raised his left hand to touch Haldir's face. "Tell…your…Naneth…I…still…love…" Those were the last words he heard from his father, for no longer had Anar-galad's hand touched his face when it fell back to the earth again. Haldir gazed at his face, which was now blank and devoid of all emotions. Gradually, he felt all the warmth leave his father's body and he held but an empty husk.

With a heavy heart, Haldir went back to Lothlórien with the remnants of the Elves which survived the war. His heart was further burdened when he found out that his best friend Malenardhon had left as well. His mind could no longer see the beauty of the Golden Wood. All that he saw were remnants of war…his father's death…so many died, so many lives lost…

The only thought that comforted him was that he would gaze upon his mother's face once more. But his mind pondered on what he would say to her. Why had Anar-galad died? He would never forget the prospect of holding his father close to him in death.

Laments filled the air, the trees, as the desolate party entered the Golden Wood once more. Haldir searched each and every face which moved out to welcome the refugees back to their home. He saw not his mother, but beheld the face of Rumil and Orophin. They were conversing with one another in hushed and hurried voices, that Haldir did not understand what they were saying.

"Orophin, Rumil," he called out, approaching them and eyeing them curiously.

His brothers faced him quickly, and Haldir made it a point to look at them in the eye, yet they avoided his gaze. Orophin and Rumil were trying their best to look cheerful at his return, yet Haldir, who can easily tell whether one is hiding something, sensed that the air was filled with an eerie agitation.

"You are…hiding something," Haldir said softly.

"No, brother, you are mistaken," Rumil said. "We are not hiding anything from you-"

"Not hiding anything?!" Haldir cut him off. "Your voices, they sound…different. Your eyes…avoid my glances. What have you to say about them?"

"We are not hiding anything!" Orophin nearly screamed, his voice trembling. Haldir's eyes narrowed upon him.

"Let me get this clear," Haldir replied coldly and resolutely. "I came from the pits of Mordor, my spirits greatly shaken by war and death, and you are here, not telling me anything of your whereabouts! Tell me, tell me where is Naneth. I demand to see her; she is also my mother!"

Orophin opened his mouth to reply, yet Haldir inched closer towards him and leveled his face to meet his eye in the eye.

"I went away for the welfare of our people, for you! Have you forgotten my rights over my own kith and kin? I command you to tell me what you've been hiding from me!"

Before any of his brothers could reply to him, a young elf's chatter caught Haldir's attention. A little golden-haired elfling was softly plucking at the sleeve of a she-elf which he supposed was the mother, and pointing at him at the same time.

"Nana, nana," the young soul said. "Look at him! Isn't he the eldest son of the captured one?"

Haldir pushed his brothers aside, who were trying to block the view from him. He slowly gazed first at the child, then the terrified mother, who was trying frantically to quiet her young.

"Pardon me," Haldir said softly to the she-elf. "What did he say?"

"Oh," she said quickly, her hands trembling as she sought to hide her son from his view. "Forgive my child for his nonsense. After all, he's still very young."

Haldir then gradually looked about him. The crowd of Elves around him was softly whispering with one another. They were we afraid and agitated.

"Poor child, his mother had gone to the Halls of Waiting."

"Hush, don't let him hear you!"

"He looks so shaken. He is not ready to know!"

"Haldir knows truth from wrong. He'll know something is amiss!"

When he could no longer stand their whispers, Haldir looked at one of them and pleaded, "Please, tell me what you mean. Naneth can't be dead! She can't be! I must tell her…Those were his last words!"

The other Elf answered to rid of him quickly, "Ask your brothers. They know."

Haldir did not hesitate to drag both of his siblings away from the crowd and he clasped their shoulders so hard that they squirmed in pain.

"Tell me, Rumil, Orophin! Where is Naneth!? I must find her! I must get to her! I need to tell her what she needs to know! Have mercy on your brother!"

Rumil choked out, tears welling up from his eyes, "Naneth…there was a band of orcs that dared to penetrate Lorien-"

"I don't care for details! Get to the point!"

A silence followed before Orophin managed to mutter the dreaded words.

"Haldir, Naneth…Naneth is…she is dead!"

It took a long time before Haldir let the truth sink in his mind. He let go of his brothers, slowly clenching his fists in rage. He took a step back, and another, and another…

"No, you must be mistaken," Haldir muttered, shaking his head repeatedly. "It can't be. It can't be. No, it's not true. You are lying, all lying!"

His feet broke off into a run as he dashed underneath the golden mallorns. A total sense of loss engulfed him. He ran without a definite path; he did not know what to do. All the images seemed to flash back in his mind, and he longed for it to stop, but he could not do so.

A glimmer amongst the blades of grass caught his eye. A brilliant red flower, with emerald green leaves circled around it, was dropped to the ground. Haldir stretched out his hand to touch the pendant of his mother. It was then that he noticed that the grass nearby had drops of blood on them. He, with reverence, clasped all that remained of the necklace, close to his heart, and the mallorn trees alone held witness to the tears Haldir of Lórien shed for Arthendion the Fair, who had gone off to the regions unknown and reunited herself with her beloved Anar-galad.

"Haldir," a gentle voice slightly lower than a woman's wont called to him. Haldir looked up from the ground and saw the faces of his Lord and Lady, Celeborn and Galadriel of Lórien.

They were as majestic as ever, that amidst his grief, he was obliged to bow low, saying, "My Lord, my Lady."

Lady Galadriel looked at him with compassion in her grey eyes, and strangely, pity. She could not help but pity the young guard who had lost two of the most precious beings in his life at a time so crucial and painful.

"Your brothers came to me, seeking solace," she explained. "They mentioned you acting out of anger, because of the disappearance of Arthendion, who undeniably is one of the fairest maidens in Lothlórien."

At the mention of Arthendion, Haldir's heart cramped once more in misery, and he hung his head in defeat. Involuntarily, he blurted out the words which he had kept so long in his mind.

"And I feel like my brothers had failed her. I had left her to their trust before I left for Mordor. I never expected her to be but a cold corpse upon my return! I feel like I failed her and Adar! I never got to tell her that Adar loved her still; that all her years of sacrifice were not in vain; I never got to fulfill my father's one last wish…"

Celeborn, who knew exactly how it feels to lose one's parents, him having lost his own back in Doriath, placed a hand on Haldir's back to soothe him.

"Fate did not permit you to do so," he counseled him. "Do not blame yourself for all the misfortune that befell you. All the more, blame not Rumil and Orophin for a crime they did not commit."

Haldir gazed up at Galadriel's beautiful face and asked her, "What really happened?"

Galadriel smiled sadly upon him. "Do you think you are ready to know?"

When Haldir nodded, she said, "I know all that goes on within these woods, and I know that your mother ran to the borders out of grief shortly after you left. It so happened that a small party of orcs dared to break in our realm. Your brothers tried their best, but they are few in comparison to the orcs. Alas, when they brought more reinforcements with them, the orcs had gone, and your mother, too."

Haldir choked back his emotions in his throat. Celeborn added, "Your brothers were shaken to have their mother taken from them at so young an age, the way you were burdened when Anar-galad died in your arms. They expected to look up to you for support. Yet you shunned them. All that they wanted was solace, and they longed for you to offer them all the comfort they needed to carry on."

After a brief period of silence, Galadriel then took Haldir's hands and placed a sheathed sword on it to mingle with Arthendion's necklace. Haldir recognized it immediately as his late father's sword. Yet no longer was it matted with blood and filth; it was renewed, its blade shining and silver once more.

"Ada's sword…"

"The sword of the Marchwarden of Lórien," Celeborn said. "We have chosen you to replace your father in his position among the Lórien guards."

Haldir was speechless, but before he can say anything, Galadriel stepped aside to reveal Rumil and Orophin. They looked at their oldest brother with grief and shame in their eyes. Haldir realized he had been harsh with them. He said, holding out his hands, "Rumil, Orophin."

His brothers did not hesitate. They ran and embraced Haldir, crying on his shoulder.

"Haldir, we thought you would never speak to us again," Rumil said.

"Forgive your brother for his harsh words," Haldir replied soothingly, stroking Orophin and Rumil's hair, which were silver like his. "I love you, and I will make you know that it's love that brought you here."

Galadriel then nodded to Celeborn, who tenderly folded his arms around her. They had at least restored the bonds between the remnants of the severed family. But they knew it was up to the three brothers whether to make their love grow or not.

"Evil had crept into his heart upon seeing such violent deaths," Galadriel told Celeborn in her telepathic manner.

"It is up to him to overcome the evil or let it take hold of him," Celeborn replied.

"Hence, we shall not allow it to prevail over him whence we live."

_tears, tears Please have mercy on me, don't flame me! I'm sorree!_


	7. Epilogue: To Choose Whatever Heaven Gran...

**Title: _"To Choose Whatever Heaven Grants…"_**

**Author: Nefertili**

**Fandom: **Lord of the Rings

**Pairing(s): **none

**Rating: **PG13

**Genre(s): **Angst, AU

**Warning(s): **No slash this time…it is replaced by bits and pieces of violence and insults in the other chapters.

**Summary: **A glimpse on Haldir's past, and what he has long hidden from the world in his face of indifference.

**Author's Notes: **_Cry, cry_ I'm really, really sorry for the sad theme of this story. I was very sad and lonely as well when I started this, but don't worry. I plan on writing a sequel for it, and it's a lot, lot happier than this latter!

Haldir opened his eyes after a long moment of going through his pained past. The sun had risen, and once more, the Golden Wood hummed to life. Just then, he heard voices calling out to him from below. Haldir crouched and leaped down the mallorn with no effort at all, taking his brothers by surprise.

"Ai, Haldir, you nearly killed us out of fright!" Orophin exclaimed, holding his grey elven cloak close to his lithe frame.

Haldir could not help but laugh as he gently tapped his brother on the shoulder.

"Did you not even hear me?" he said. "Why did you seek me out?"

Rumil then spoke up, strapping his quiver to his back, "The Fellowship is close to arriving. You know the Lady. She wants them to come before her unscathed. We ought to go to the Northern Borders by now."

Haldir nodded readily. "Worry not about me. Depart now and I'll follow you. I still have to collect my weapons from my talan."

"All right, brother," Rumil and Orophin answered. They then went off on their way, leaving Haldir by the riverbank.

Now that he was alone again, Haldir reached inside his garments and pulled out a fine chain. At the end of it was the scarlet flower and emerald leaves, his last keepsake to remind him of Arthendion. Upon her and Anar-galad's death, he had steeled his heart and built a wall around himself, which was only demolished by his brothers, whom he loved most next to his Lord and lady.

He then kissed the sparkling blossom for one last time and with one graceful swing of his arm, he threw the necklace into the river Celebrant, where its rushing waters ran over the lost relic and washed it out to the Sea.

In the far banks, Haldir stood still, letting the wind flutter and play with his silken hair. He then said, hoping that she would hear, wherever he may be, "Naneth, I will still treasure your teachings inside my heart. I do not need your necklace to remind me of you."

And as he walked away, Haldir thought he heard Arthendion's melodious voice ring in the forest for one last time, singing

_"You will be who you want to be,_

_You can choose whatever heaven grants._

_As long as you can have your chance,_

_I swear I'd give my life for you._

_No one can stop what I must do._

_I swear I'd give my life for you."_

Watch out for the sequel, 'The Song of the Aiwenor'. Intriguing? Exciting? Well, please lend me all the inspiration, and I will do the rest for you!


End file.
